You’ve probably had an excellent relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend up until the moment you discovered that they slept with someone else.
There have been ups and downs, but which relationship doesn’t have that?
Your whole relationship with this person has been the textbook definition of relationships.
It’s been perfect until you caught them cheating on you.
Now, you feel like your whole world has fallen apart, and don’t know what to do.
You’re not at fault
Firstly, you have to acknowledge that you’re not at fault. It is the job of a responsible partner to ensure that they are loyal to you and don’t betray your trust.
Cheating is a conscious effort and doesn’t happen ‘by accident.’ It requires planning from both parties. You’re not at fault.
Yes, you might have been partially responsible for certain breakdowns in the relationship.
Acknowledge it, and learn from it. Still, cheating is utterly and entirely the fault of your partner.
Please don’t ignore the fact that they slept with someone else
Don’t try to wish it away. Don’t pretend that it never happened.
I know, the urge to try to wish it away gets very strong because you want the life you had before they cheated back.
But you’d probably always see them as a cheater and never be able to trust them again.
They’re now a cheat and liar to you, a person who has absolutely no regard for you or your feelings.
You’ll always feel uneasy anytime they step out. Trust me, you do not want that for yourself.
Take a step back
Go ahead and take a step back to process what has happened.
Do not let them manipulate you into believing you’re delusional or “it’s not what it seems.”
Separate yourself, step back, and minimize contact so your resolve won’t be worn down, and you’ll be able to reason.
If possible, stay with a close friend or a relative so you’ll be able to grieve appropriately and avoid manipulation.
Don’t react
I know it’s inherently part of human nature to react to stuff, especially things that we don’t find palatable.
It’s expected that you might act out of rage at the point of discovery. But be careful of your action. Doing things irrationally will only bring more problems.
Destruction of property can get you sued; you could get arrested for assault if you laid your hands on them.
And honestly, it is not worth it. You’re the good guy here; we don’t want any more complications.
Leave the scene and only confront them when you feel more clear-headed.
Don’t be isolated
Don’t isolate yourself, and do not allow yourself to be isolated because you’re in a very vulnerable mental and emotional state.
The more you’re by yourself, the easier you are susceptible to your partner because your brain keeps bringing up various “what ifs.”
Get an outside perspective to help manage the heartbreak you might be feeling, maybe from a close friend, a relative, or a therapist.
Feel
Don’t stifle your emotions. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that may come over you.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream. It doesn’t make you weak; instead, it could start the healing process you desperately need.
In all these, though, don’t let the emotions you’ve allowed yourself to feel push you into doing something irrational that could harm you both.
Forgive on your terms.
Don’t let them or anyone at all rush you into forgiveness. Do so entirely on your own volition and your terms.
You have been deeply wronged, and forgiveness and healing may take a long time.
You shouldn’t be rushed into forgiving when you’re not ready.
Your partner has no right to dictate the period you feel hurt and the time you should have gotten over it.
Note this: you are not obligated to stay while you forgive. You can gracefully leave the relationship and still forgive them. Forgiving them is a very vital part of your healing.
Communicate
When you’re less overwhelmed with emotions, you could sit and talk to them about how you feel, how they broke your trust, and how it hurts.
You could ask why they did it, and a lot of times, they may not even have a concrete reason as to why they did it.
From this conversation, note the following things:
Did they feel remorseful about what they did? Did they keep blaming it on you or someone else?
Did they inform you about the cheating, or did you find out yourself?
Did they try to manipulate and gaslight you? Did they lie about what they did?
Noting the answers to these questions would help you decide what to do.
Is Trust Still Alive After You Found Out They Cheated?
Is trust alive in the relationship? Do you feel like no matter what they do, you can’t trust them again?
Do you feel a sense of paranoia anytime they step out to throw the trash?
If you do, there’s no saving the relationship.
No matter what they do or how long the relationship has lasted, the relationship will crumble when there is no trust.
Trust is one of the primary building blocks of relationships; once it is gone, the relationship is bound to crumble.
Don’t lose yourself trying to win them back
Please don’t lose your identity to try to win back their affection.
Don’t try to dress more “attractive” or completely stop all you enjoy doing because you feel inadequate or unworthy of their love.
They have cheated and shown that no matter what you do, they do not have any respect whatsoever for you.
Don’t you dare lose yourself trying to win back the love of someone with no regard for you or your feelings.
Leave
It might be scary to leave the lifestyle you’ve already grown so used to; the attention and care, the comfort, but the instant you’ve lost all trust, you should take the bold step to leave that relationship.
Staying would just give you a lot of emotional and mental health issues.
Leave for your peace of mind. Leave so you’ll heal.
All these being said, you might want to believe that your relationship is different and they’d actually change.
They might truly want to change. Are they showing proof of remorse and repentance?
Know This If You Want to Continue With the Relationship
If you really want to forgive, consider and find answers to these questions.
If you don’t, you might just be postponing another heart break.
Consider these questions before you continue the relationship:
- Did you find out about the cheating yourself or they confessed it? (Finding out yourself is really a bad one)
- Are they remorseful and truly sorry for their actions? (There’s a way you’ll know the sincerity of an apology)
- Who is the lady/guy they cheated with?
- How long did it go on for?
All the answers to these questions will help you have clarity on what to do about the relationship.
But let me give my two cents.
If you had to find out yourself about your partner cheating, it probably means it has been going on for long.
And this really only shows how much they claim to love you.
I hope this helps and gives clarity on what you should do. If you need to speak to someone concerning this, fill this form.